I'm going to a party tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. They have a pool! And because I am really only about five in my head, I'm totally psyched about swimming.

So since I know I'm going to wear a swimsuit tomorrow, I've been dousing myself in sunless tanner. Now, I know people look down on self tanners because they can look a little splotchy, but I think it's much better than the alternative (a color about the same as the one behind this text). And tanning beds look like death traps to me.

My problem with self tanners is that they'll stain your clothes if you get dressed before it dries. Which means I have to run around like a naked crazy person while I do my hair and makeup so I don't ruin any clothes.

In the mean time, I've been putting Sun In on my hair to make the too-blonde ends not stand out against my darker-than-I-remember roots. All I have to do is spray the stuff in my hair, blow it dry, and voila! highlights. Or, really, just lighter hair.

So there I am, naked in the guest bathroom of my parents' house (because, after all, I am a "guest" now) trying not to let my arms touch the rest of my body because I've smeared them with darkener and drying my hair which I've just sprayed with lightener (which makes me realize how dumb the sun seems to be) when I notice that my torso, the only part of my body that hasn't been covered with fake sun, has these odd-looking white spots all over it.

Because the stuff on my hair is a spray, I accidentally got hairlightener on my boobs. And my stomach, too. I look like some kind of polka-dotted mutant.

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